In times, there’s a big feeling that pursues one’s spirit. People have a lot of terms to describe it. Loneliness; Abandonment Syndrome; Loss; All kinds of names. But for me, that specific feeling is mostly like a need of running away. Running away to never be seen again.
Existence itself can be a burden. French philosophers have taken it from Kierkegaard—writers like Jean-Paul Sartre or Camus—. Almost like an empty corridor at home, when everyone’s asleep. You try not to wake anyone, so you prefer being blind, touching the walls with the tip of your fingers, until you reach the kitchen. You go very slowly, one step after the other.
You stop thinking about things, to start thinking about connections and paths; concepts; making inferences on simple things that need no deep significance on them. They don’t even carry the possibility of being so complex. Blue is Blue, nothing else. Just a color that is. Everything becomes way bigger than it once was. You start to question everything, from the ground up. “What did she meant?” “Why is he not responding?” “Have I done something wrong about…?”
I often start thinking about every relationship I have/had with people. Analysing every phrase I have ever written to people dear to me. Every “Hi!” I wonder, why is this exercise so common? Why do we torture ourselves with the other-me, that said some very specific things? The other person probably doesn’t even recall him—the other me—saying it.
I’ve been listening to Fun.’s 2012 great album Some Nights. Right at the beginning of the first track:
There are some nights I hold on to every note I ever wrote
Some nights, I say "fuck it all" and stare at the calendar
Waiting for catastrophes, imagining they'd scare me
Into changing whatever it is I am changing into...
And you have every right to be scared1
To feel a need of running away. Towards no specific place. We want to leave our existence, with all our significant things and people. Even if we want them so badly they don’t get it. It’s as if we want Angst to be with us, even if that’s one of the most terrifying moods to be in. We want to run away, without saying goodbye. Into Nothingness. No pain, no tears, no being so anxious to call somebody.
Running towards something is more painful and dreadful than to run into the opposite direction. Away. Sometimes we miss people. Sometimes we miss not missing them.
After going back to the Some Nights record, I discovered that Jack Antonoff has a band: Bleachers. I figured maybe I should take a listen. Latest, recomended by my streaming service: Merry Christmas, Please Don’t Call. Some verses I really found deeply moving:
But don't tell 'em what you told me
Don't even tell 'em that you know me
I would rather burn foreverBut you should know that I died slow
Running through the halls of your haunted home2
Running away, in the midst of trying ever again to run towards things and people can be akin to absolute freedom. Only caring about the path you are making, not the one you will or would make.
Fun.. (2012). Some Nights (Intro) [Song]. On Some Nights. Fueled By Ramen.
Bleachers. (2024). Merry Christmas, Please Don’t Call [Song]. Dirty Hit.